There is an invisible architecture of power in our society that is at the root of all forms of abuse, whether it is racism, bullying, or intimate partner violence. A global term for this epidemic is Sociopathic Narcissism, or in the case of the following story, what turned into Psychopathic Narcissism.
With the murder of Gabby Petito, the world has been presented with a high-profile case of intimate partner violence, or what is known in professional circles as trauma bonding. The most common form of this is Narcissistic Abuse, a situation where one party is entitled, controlling and manipulative, using techniques like gaslighting to make their partner feel as though they are crazy. The other partner has a wound that makes them susceptible to such abuse, a past where they have not learned to recognize bad boundaries, where they doubt themselves on a foundational level, and where they don’t have enough self-esteem to stand up for their needs. In this way both parties are the mirror image of the other’s internally damaged self.
When you watch the body cam footage from Utah law enforcement, you see unsettling patterns from the moment the couple is pulled over. Gabby is in obvious emotional distress, while Brian is laughing and joking with police officers. The officers home in on a few scratches on Brian’s face and arms, but Brian is never asked to explain the 911 caller’s statement that “the man is slapping the woman.” Another red flag is the fact that Gabby is taking all the responsibility for what happened, while Brian is taking none. She diagnoses herself as having anxiety and OCD, and at one point Brian himself refers to her as being “crazy.”
These are classic symptoms of the silent epidemic of Narcissistic Abuse, something our society needs to get a lot better at identifying so that we don’t end up playing into the hands of the bullies at the expense of the victims. Brian’s calmness is a sign that he is in control of the relationship, that he is out of touch with his emotions, and that he is more interested in manipulating the interaction with law enforcement than in being vulnerable about the truth of what transpired between he and his fiancee. Gabby is having an emotional breakdown in front of the police officer’s eyes, and yet she is the one being cited as the instigator and sole perpetrator of domestic violence.
One of the fascinations with this story is that Narcissistic Abuse is so commonplace it goes unnoticed, even by law enforcement who are trained to look out for red flags and dangerous situations. As a society, we pride ourselves on Mental Health Awareness with slogans like “Let’s Talk,” and yet everyone failed to ask the most important question to Gabby. Because while Brian’s safety was a focal point for the male police officers, it never occurred to them to ask the diminutive, confused, and tearful Gabby: “Do you feel safe?”
My hope is that this body cam footage is used for law enforcement training, because if an officer can side with a killer in a domestic dispute, it suggests we have a long way to go in spotting the perpetrators of this silent epidemic.
Thank you for posting this. It’s eye-opening. I was a victim of narcissistic abuse for several years and I don’t think the public is educated enough on the subject and you’re 100% correct that it is commonplace and often goes completely undetected. I believe more women suffer from the abuse than men and it has an affect on their demeanor and hinders their abilities and thus their future. It is so dangerous.
I couldn’t agree more; in fact, I call it the invisible epidemic in our culture. Statistically speaking women suffer at the hands of Narcissists more than men do, but I have worked with men who have lived through it as well. And if you look for it in global events, you can see political forms of Narcissistic abuse just about everywhere…