As World War II came to an end, Nazi psychiatrists interviewed families to see if there was a difference between those who had sent their children to the safety of the countryside to live with relatives, and those who kept their children with them in the cities as bombs dropped around them. What they found surprised them: the children who had stayed with their parents fared better by far than those who had been sent away.
When they dove deeper, they found that the children who remained with their parents felt safe and secure, and believed that whatever happened their parents would be there to help them navigate. The children who got sent away did not feel this sense of safety, and it had a profound effect on them both at the time, as well as later in life.
In my practice with clients, I have found the very same phenomenon. Those clients that had the support of even one person as a child fared much better than those who had no support. In my work with adult survivors of trauma, including mountain tragedy, the ones who were supported through the post-trauma journey moved on much more quickly and efficiently than those whose experiences were minimized or silenced.
The bottom line is this: most of us feel powerless when faced with a traumatized person. But the reality is, we already possess the very things that person needs to feel safe. Be present with them, listen to their story, and validate the experiences they have lived through.
Great insight there, Margo – I may feel powerless to help, but that’s just my ‘stuff’ — in reality, I may well have what that person needs, if only I understood what they truly need.
In addition to our personal “stuff,” our culture does not teach us how to deal with trauma…
Thank you for this. When my husband died in a mountain accident, I was most stunned by the exodus of friends who didn’t know what to do with me as a grieving widow. They disappeared. A couple have come back because I made the effort to reach out, start a conversation, and view their behavior with grace and compassion — just what I wished they had done for me. New empathetic friends came forward and made all the difference because they were willing to be present with me in life after loss. We need to do a better job of showing up for one another during times of trauma. Your last paragraph really hits home.
I recently read a quote: “Tragedy doesn’t change us, it amplifies us.” Who we show up as in times of stress is nothing short of revelatory. Kudos to you for responding with Grace.